A mantra I am, and have been repeating to myself for it seems weeks now.
We have had two nights in a row of intense labour, not too painful, but regular and strong contractions for at least 3 hours at a time. Right in the middle of the night. It gets to a point where I am too tired to stay up anymore to count, and then they subside as I am sleeping and I wake up to nothing. I am grateful – I mean, I want this to be as natural as possible, and no chemical inductions leading to other procedures. I am grateful to my husband and midwives who have been amazing through this.
6 am this morning found me bawling my eyes out in the bathroom because things had stopped, AGAIN. It is frustrating. Last night I was sure it was going to happen – we even dropped Mo off at our amazing friends place for the night after dinner. I had been to the midwife earlier in the day to get my membranes stripped and things were starting already. And they went – good and strong from 8pm till about 130am… and then went on and off for the rest of the night.
Now, I need to curb my addiction to the stopwatch, and perhaps just let it be without fretting or worrying. I do know that my body is working hard to bring this baby into the world, and for that I am grateful and happy it knows how to do that. But i find it hard with all the well wishes and phone calls to not feel the pressure, from me – and from anyone else. Also knowing how things could go if we go past-due makes me quake in fear to be honest. I feel there is a time-line here.
Today we slept, a great sleep for most of the day, and I am ready again – to start. Perhaps this night will bring us a baby, or just another sleepless night – or maybe nothing – who knows.
Another thing I do know is – she WILL arrive, and we are ready for her whenever she does.
Today, our baby started ‘real’ school. You know, the kind where you as a parent don’t get to see the teacher every day – you don’t know what really goes on on the playground… you watch them walk into the classroom and all the gut wrenching feelings you had as a kid on your first day come back.
His old school is an amazing place. He learned so much and loved all his teachers – and was so loved in return. He was a toddler there, then a pre-preschooler, then a pre-schooler and then this past year he was in the JK/SK split class. I got to have him on campus with me nearby, I got to know all of his amazing teachers, cooks etc. I know his new school is a great place too, but the love and friendship we found at Loyalist is beyond measure.
In our last week his teachers gave us such wonderful gifts, and best wishes – and I know we will miss them terribly. This morning when I was making Mo’s lunch he asked that I make his tuna sandwich just like Wendy did. He mentioned Leslie and Irene a few times and said, “I’ll bet they are missing me.” And you know what? I’ll bet they are.
They let him be his quirky self… Mo is very much his own person now – able to stand up for himself if need be, to find friends and to love with a compassion I have never really seen before.
And me? I am home, enjoying a n ice quiet day to myself. Nesting. Resting. It is a transition time for me too… baby is due any day now, and I will be going from mom of an independent little boy, to mom of a tiny baby girl too. I am excited, and a bit scared. I am looking forward to the birth I envision – and to holding her in my arms. I am looking forward to the smell of her head, and to snuggling with two love-bugs in my bed. This morning Mo crawled in (as he does every day) for our morning snuggle, and told me it was his most important part of the day. Well, it is mine too.
I have finished up all of my outstanding work, and am going to spend the day getting baby’s space ready… and then I will be ready.